Jameo and Lilyette
by tavari
Summary: James has always had a thing for the lovely, if not snarky, Lily. But when he becomes an auror, his dog-like devotion will be put to the test when he discovers that the angelic Lily's secretly a deatheater. Parody JPLE
1. Head over Heels

Disclaimer- unfortunately J.K. Rowling does not write fan fiction on her own books, in case you weren't sure. So, this is obviously not her ^_^  
  
James pushed his ebony locks out of his face debonairly, before whipping around in his seat to see if the love of his life, Lily Potter, had noticed. She hadn't. As usual, she was studiously copying down notes, sensual auburn hair brushing the edges of the parchment, and long, slender white fingers gripping the quill in her right hand. Her elongated, sexy legs were tucked under her chair, and- "James!" A loud voice rang in his ear. James started, and whipped around. Professor Gremlin stood over him, her piggish eyes boring into his head. She was the Professor of Potions, and was all in all a rather unremarkable woman to look at, other than the large mole that had planted itself high on her right cheek. "Yes Professor?" "For the fifth time, what can we use basil for?" She demanded in her deep, almost manly voice. "Er..." Basil was green. Like the color of Lily's eyes, her beautiful eyes... "It uh, can make scorpions." "How?" It was a command rather than question. "Um... if you place three leaves under a clay pot, a scorpion will appear in the pot on the fifth day." With a slightly mollified look, Professor Gremlin nodded, and walked, or rather waddled, over to her next victim. "Tell me, what can we use lemons for?" She asked Patty Finch, another Gryffindor seventh year. Lemons... Lily liked lemon drops... James was very jealous of those little candies... "James!" Professor Gremlin roared. Her face was turning purple, and her blue eyes were fairly rocketing out of their sockets. "Yes?" He replied innocently, with an "I'm-so-innocent" look. "I'm all-to-aware that males have hardly any control over their mind, but do us all a favor and try to pay attention during class." "Of course, Professor," James replied, resisting the urge to get a glimpse of the beauteous Lily's reaction. "I expect more from my seventh years you know." "Of course, Professor." "And as head boy you're supposed to set a particularly fine example." "Yup." Professor Gremlin glared. "Yes Professor," James quickly amended himself. "I hope you will act in the way your position requires, James, from now on. Take an example from our head girl in the future." "I would be happy to follow the head girl," James said dreamily. "Good." And as soon as the hulking mass had turned towards the other side of the room, James whipped around in his seat once again, and spent the rest of the period marveling over the exquisiteness of Lily's knees. The sun glittered over the lake (like the sparkles in Lily's emerald eyes), and just about the entire student body was outside, enjoying the spring day. School, apparently had been forgotten, for not a single book was in sight. Instead, students splashed around in the lake (something James found highly juvenile- Lily would never do that), others played exploding snap, and the rest were sprawled across the grass, like James and his fellow marauders.  
"Beautiful day," remarked Remus.  
"Not as beautiful as-"  
"Shut up Prongs," Sirius quickly interjected.  
James cast his friend a very dark look, before ruffling his hair as if to console himself. And then, he turned back towards the other students in search of the beautiful redhead. He saw brunettes, blondes, random color haired people, but no stunning red head. In desperation he gave a moan of despair, but then, his eyes alighted on the angelic form he so desired to see. And everything after that was in slow motion.  
Lily waved her hand, and smiled.  
James nearly peed in his pants.  
She swished her hair around, leaving the whole Charlie's Angels thing behind in the dust.  
James felt himself going faint.  
And then, she began to walk towards him, James.  
"Oh my God!" James heard himself exclaim.  
Remus glanced over the top of book, rolled his eyes, and quickly returned to his reading. Peter, unsure of what to do busied himself with a toadstool, but Sirius didn't bother to hide his fascination, and he watched the unfolding scene with thinly masked delight.  
"James," Said Lily with one of her heavenly smiles.  
James tried to say hello, but found he couldn't speak, "Hef...." He finally managed.  
"'Hef?'" Lily repeated with a delicately raised eyebrow. "That the new *cool* way to say hello or something in that pathetic world of yours?"  
James's fantasies immediately evaporated at the cold tone that came out of Lily's luscious mouth. And in that very moment he knew how Adam and Eve felt when they were to be kicked out of paradise forever. "Eh??" He asked.  
Lily rolled her eyes, "Honestly, I don't see how you got to be head boy. You are the most arrogant, disillusioned, pathetic, and..." she trailed off, searching for more adjectives.  
"Morbid? Despicable?" Suggested Sirius.  
"Contemptible? Supercilious? Abortive?" Suggested Remus.  
"Those are big words!" Exclaimed Peter.  
James's jaw dropped. In complete astonishment, he turned to face his "friends," and was quite discerned to see that Sirius was grinning broadly, Remus was feverishly looking up new words in his pocket thesaurus, and Peter was, as usual, looking puzzled.  
"Aw, was James's little ego crushed?" Lily simpered.  
Even in this moment of extreme injustice, James couldn't help but notice how adorable Lily looked when she was upset.  
"But anyways," Said Lily coolly, "I just came over to tell you how stupid I thought you were in potions. I mean, focus is, apparently, impossible for you to do- I mean, you looked like you were dreaming of flying pigs or something all class." And with that, the saintly Lily Evans stormed away, leaving James quite dumfounded.  
"Women," Sirius said knowledgably, "They're tough Prongs." He slapped James hard on the back as thought to reassure him, but he had been working out lately and James lost his breath.  
Remus glanced up from his book, "A woman moved is like a fountain troubled, Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty; And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty Will deign to sip or touch one drop of it."  
"It's called English," Sirius informed him.  
"Wow..." Peter breathed.  
"The wonders of Shakespeare," Remus said dreamily.  
"Whatever!" James snapped.  
Remus looked like he had been slapped. "Haven't you ever read his play, the Taming of the Shrew?"  
"Muggle stuff!" James moaned. "Like I don't have anything better to do than read ancient junk like that?"  
Remus choked, but apparently he realized he was fighting a losing battle, for he returned to his reading without further comment.  
"Snap out of it Prongs. It's not like she said she hated you or anything..."  
James shook his head slowly and looked up. "No..." He whispered, a tear forming in his eye. "But she thought I was thinking of flying pigs in Potions!"  
"How about I blow her up- Yeah! I know just the trick!" Sirius exclaimed. With an agonized cry, James squeezed his eyes shut, and clapped his hands over his ears. "No no! He cried. "The images of her lying on the ground bleeding!" Sirius grinned dreamily, as though visualizing the scene. "Wouldn't that be cool?" James shrieked incoherently in reply.  
"Fine, I'll blow up another girl sometime," Said Sirius dejectedly.  
This was too much for Remus, and he deliberately closed his book, and cleared his throat. "For shame!" He cried. "Thou helding of a devilish spirit, Why dost thou wrong her that did ne'er wrong thee? When did she cross thee with a bitter word?"  
Promptly, Sirius set off a series of fire darts in Remus's direction, and grinned at the agonized howls ("Agony! Agony!") That resulted. "Anyways," He said loudly. "Maybe you just have a headache, and I have the perfect stuff for you."He fished out a tiny parcel from his pocket, and pulled out a bright purple drop.  
"Yeah," Said James dazedly. "Maybe that's what's wrong." He popped the drop into his mouth, and sucked on it thoughtfully. "You know, I feel worse than I did before," he mused aloud.  
Sirius's eyes lit up, "Oops- I think I gave you the Bungling Belly Beans I got from Zonkos the other day. My bad."  
James choked, his eyes narrowed, and he quickly spat out the Belly bean. But they had done their magic, and he spent the rest of the afternoon in convulsions, owing it to unrequited love.  
  
  
It was very late when James returned from the hospital wing; tongue still stinging from the bitter drought Madame Pomfrey had forced him to take. He was gratified to see that the common room was empty... although that gratification immediately evaporated when he noticed his three fellow marauders sitting by the fire.  
"Prongs!" Peter exclaimed, beaming from ear to ear.  
"Compliments, Mr. Potter," Said Remus. "I am most elated to see you have recovered from that ghastly, and entirelyavertable (if you don't mind my saying) accident."  
"Yo," Sirius said.  
"Mmmf," Said James.  
"Yeah... So, feeling better?" Sirius asked.  
"No," James replied acidly.  
"What'd Pomfrey say?"  
"Nothing."  
"Want to go down to Hogsmeade?"  
"No."  
"Want to blow something up?"  
"No."  
Here Remus looked up and gave James the rarer- than-gold look of approval.  
"Want to go into the forbidden forest?"  
"No."  
"Er... Want to play exploding snap?"  
"No."  
"Want to sneak into Lily's room?"  
"OK!" James exclaimed, with a smile that rivaled even Peter's for size.  
"Reprehensible!" Remus exclaimed. "How would you feel inside, in the depths of your diminutive souls, if you awoke to find your retreat invaded, and yourself mocked in the most uncouth comportment?"  
"Like I had died and gone into heaven!" James said without hesitation.  
Remus gave a wolfish snarl of disdain and returned to the Daily Prophet.  
"Can I come to?" Peter asked, rising from his seat.  
"Nope, if the girls wake up we want them to think it's a dream, not a nightmare," Said Sirius with a characteristic smirk.  
Peter burst into tears as the two boys quickly exited.   
Through much trial and error, Sirius and James had learned the deadly secret of the girl's staircase: it turned into a slide when any male stepped on it. But to a marauder, this was no real set back, especially to a marauder with a mission. And through careful scrutiny of the common room, a secret passageway leading to the girl's dormitories was found behind the tapestry of Lorric the Loser, one of Godric Gryffindor's old friends. So, with a conspiratorial look about them, and several not-so-manly giggles, the boys quickly pushed aside the moth-eaten tapestry and entered the passageway. It was so cold inside, that Sirius had convinced himself that he could see his breath in front of him, though there was no light. But James was not cold. He had a heart full of love to keep him toasty- and a body so lusty he would never be cold again! He gave Sirius a superior grin, not that it was noticed. To Lily's chamber they went! 


	2. A Clue

Unbeknownst to most of the Gryffindor boys, there was a secret tunnel that led to the girl's common room behind the statue of Lombard the Bad, Godric Gryffindor's brother. Surprisingly, Remus had been the one to discover it. He had been writing an essay on Lombard, and happened to notice the trap door upon which Lombard stood. Or so he said. Sirius liked to think that Remus had been so devastated over the fact that the girl's staircase turned into a slide every time a male tried to walk up it, yet when he, Remus, attempted the treacherous stairs (at James's command of course) the stairs remained in tact. "The stairs do not consider me human!" Remus had screamed upon discovering this. "I am a werewolf!"

It did not matter that James, Sirius, and Peter were sick with envy and spent the next couple days trying to trick Remus into biting them, in fact, this made Remus cry even harder. And as Sirius always concluded, Remus had knocked over the statue of Lombard in an attempted suicide, and discovered the passageway to the girl's dormitory on accident.  
But it really was no matter to James how the passageway had been found. All that mattered was that it was a way to his beloved, sweet, and perfect Lily. And so with strength fuelled by love, he pushed aside the statue of Lombard as if he pushed aside ten-foot marble statues aside daily, yanked up the wooden trap door, and fairly leapt into the black hole it revealed. Sirius followed shortly after.  
"Lumos!" Sirius hissed.  
"Lu- Lu-!" James gasped. But he found that he could not talk, so great was his excitement. To think he would see Lily's sensuous, sleeping form in moments...  
"Chilly down here," Sirius remarked.  
"Is it?" James asked absently. He could not feel the cold; his heart gave him all the warmth he needed.  
After several more exclamations from Sirius, all expressing various levels of discomfort, the two boys reached a second trap door, the one in the girl's dormitory. Unfortunately for them, the trap door lay under the statue of Cornelia the Continual, apparently one of Godric Gryffindor's many lovers.  
"They moved the bloody statue over the trap door!" Sirius growled, pressing upwards at the wooden planks that formed the door fruitlessly.  
"They what?" James asked uncomprehendingly.  
  
"They must have figured out somebody was sneaking into the girl's dormitories and blocked off the trapdoor!" Sirius screeched.  
  
James felt his heart breaking, as he realized there was a possible chance he would not being seeing the amazing, sultry, corporeal...  
  
"Let's blow it up!" Sirius was exclaiming, jerking James out of his wonderland.  
"Y-you can't do that!" A timid voice said from behind the two boys.  
  
"Wormtail!" Sirius shrieked, spinning around. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I- I was afraid. I was all alone!"  
  
"You were with Moony!" Sirius snarled.  
  
"He went up to bed, and I didn't want to," Peter whispered.  
  
"Bloody rat!" Sirius hissed under his breath. "I should blow you up!"  
Peter squeaked.  
  
James glared at nothing in particular, as he tried to figure out how to get through the trapdoor. Lost in thought, he took a step backwards.  
  
"Owww!" Peter screeched. "That was my toe!"  
  
"Oh well," James replied offhandedly.  
  
At that moment, Peter vowed to avenge himself against James Potter.  
  
It was several minutes before James and Sirius came up with a plan (Peter was too stupid to think).  
  
"OK," Sirius said, flashing his signature bad-boy smirk, "So we blow up the floor and the statue will fall over and, voila! Girl's dorms!"  
  
"Oh yeah!" James grinned. Then, raising his wand, "Aestus!" Immediately a stream of fire blazed out of his wand, and the trapdoor above them exploded in sparks. Then, the heard the all-to-familiar _boom_! Of a statue falling over.  
  
"Score!" Sirius said.  
  
Amazingly, nobody heard the commotion for reasons the author cannot explain. And so, James, Sirius, and Peter quickly scrambled up through the gaping hole without any trouble (well, Peter needed James and Sirius's help).  
  
"So, what do we do about this hole?" Peter asked, trying to sound like everything with swell.  
  
"Oh whatever," Said James offhandedly. He quickly mended the floor with a wave of his wand, and then turned towards the door with the golden plaque that read "Seventh Year girls." He was trembling, and it try as he might, he could not calm down enough to open it.  
  
"Oh bloody hell!" Sirius snapped, after five minutes had been wasted outside the door thanks to James. He kicked open the door, but again, nobody noticed.  
  
James entered the room like a zombie. He could not think or feel, and he found himself drawn to his beloveds bed. But there was one, gaping problem. "She's not there!" He cried.  
  
"What?" Sirius and Peter both asked at once.  
  
"Lily- her bed's empty!" James felt his night's work crumbling around him.  
  
"She hasn't got a boyfriend has she?" Sirius asked with a devilish wink.  
  
James promptly gave Sirius the finger, before dropping to his knees and looking under the bed. She wasn't there either. "Well," he said, standing up, "I'm going back to our room." He tried to keep his angry tears at bay, but one slipped out of his light brown eyes.  
  
"Good God Prongs!" Sirius said, obviously horrified. "Well, at least take Wormtail with you. I think I'll be here for awhile."  
  
James grunted, "Don't get caught."  
  
"Dude, they're my girlfriends, they wont turn me in," Sirius said as he gestured to three or four beds.  
  
"That's so cool!" Peter exclaimed looking quite awestruck. "I haven't had a girlfriend yet!"  
  
"I can't imagine why," Sirius said sarcastically.  
  
"Hey!" Peter exclaimed indignantly.  
  
"Oh shut up and run along with James. Else, I'll blow you up!" Sirius said, turning to a sleeping, curvaceous blonde.  
  
But James had already disappeared.  
  
Wishing for his invisibility cloak, James crept past the many doors, all of which hid the Gryffindor girl dormitories. He could not believe his horrible luck. _His love had been denied!_ He was just about to head back to the trap door when Mrs. Norris the first materialized suddenly in front of him. And, as if things couldn't get worse, he heard Mr. Lyncher's infamous wheeze (Mr. Lyncher was Filch's predecessor).  
  
"Little girl out of bed?" Lyncher snickered.  
  
James froze and whipped out his wand. "Alohamora!" He hissed, pointing to a mop closet. The door clicked open and James dived in. The door shut behind him, and he held is breath as Lyncher's footsteps slowly limped past.  
  
"Who are you? Get off of me?" A feminine voice fairly shrieked in his ear.  
  
"Eh sorry, wrong turn..." James said, horrified. _Who was this?  
_  
"If you don't' get off of me, I will report you! I am head girl you know."  
  
"Oh, my God!" James whispered. "Lily?"  
  
"Look, I know some advanced spells and if you don't get off..."  
  
"Lily is it you?"  
  
"Bloody hell!" Lily cried. "Lumos!" at once the tip of her wand lit up, bathing the mop closet in a magical light. "James?" She screamed.  
  
"Hello, my darling one..." He whispered. He had no control over his tongue and the words just tumbled out.  
  
"James, I swear I will kill you," and as if to emphasize her point, she kicked him where it hurt most.  
  
"Gah!" James exclaimed, falling off her and onto the floor.  
  
"What," she said as she straightened out her robes and adjusted her hair, "Are you doing in the girl's dormitories?"  
  
"I eh... got lost..." James said, still cringing.  
  
"Oh?" Lily said, emerald eyes blazing.  
  
"You look really sexy when you're mad," James said breathily.  
  
"James Potter, you are just about the stupidest person I've ever met! Now I'm getting McGonagall." She took a step towards the door, but James hurriedly sat up and clutched the hem of her robes.  
  
"Oh Lily, if you do that Gryffindor will lose points! And besides, McGonagall will want to know what you were doing out of bed in a mop closet." He gave his best puppy look. "What _were_ you doing in here?"  
  
Lily flushed, "I- nothing. I was doing nothing. Don't you dare tell anybody you saw me in here! Else... I will have your head."  
  
"I wont tell... if you kiss me," James said. Under normal circumstances, he would have realized that this was just about the worst thing he could have done. But under Lily's fiery gaze he had no control over his thoughts or mouth. He had never realized how beautiful her hair and silky was before now...  
  
"Excuse me?" Lily demanded in a low, dangerous voice. "I would rather kiss a werewolf!"  
  
"I could arrange that," James said lightly. He grabbed a pale, beautiful hand, and pulled it towards his mouth. Lily hastily snatched her hand away, "God, cooties!" She cried. But as she pulled her hand away, her sleeve fell to the side, and right before she hastily covered her forearm up, James caught a glimpse of what looked like a tattoo. A snake and skull he believed. "You wild woman you!" James said, "You have a tattoo!"  
  
Lily turned deathly pale. "No- you're imagining things!"  
  
"Oh?" How slender she was, like a summer sapling...!  
  
"Yes. Now, get out before I change my mind and report you." Lily snarled at him.  
  
"Good night, my dearest Lily. Return to your enchanted bower and dream the sweetest dreams one can receive after a chance meeting with their true love," James said, obviously not realizing he sounded like a fool.  
  
"WTF James?" She hissed. "She grabbed a mop and pointed it at him menacingly.  
  
"Don't play hard to get, my fiery one," James said, hand on the bronze door knob.  
  
"I'm not _playing_ hard to get, oh arrogant one, I _am_ hard to get!" Lily snapped. "Now leave!"  
  
James hastily blew her a kiss, dodged the mop flung at him, and exited the closet. Oh what night it had been!  
  
With the gracefulness of a stag he floated back down to the trapdoor, which bore no signs of its previous explosion. Of course, he did not really float, but he felt as though he did. He was, he told himself, lost to love.


End file.
